dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Define "chronic" masturbator.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize