I'm so fucking centered right now
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
