no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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