You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize