I just threw up on my dentist
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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