I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
too bad you live with your parents still
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
