she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
