Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
