my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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