awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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