come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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