you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
