I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
