Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
