based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
