flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
