I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
