I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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