I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
