My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
