i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize