i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
