I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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