You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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