there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
