I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
it was like having sex with a tree stump
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
