it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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