Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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