i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you traded sex for a burrito?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
