Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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