Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
