If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Barsexuality is the new black.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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