my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
