Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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