Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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