you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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