you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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