just survived the first fart of the relationship.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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