very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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