Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
