New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
