just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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