goodnight i made you a song goodbye
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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