so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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