Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my shit smells like andre
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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