since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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