I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't deserve a penis
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
