I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
