does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
