mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
