Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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