im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Let's get the cat blown out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
