i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
