Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
