so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
